Written by Monica van Schaik

Idea Generation by Monica van Schaik & Krystal Muise

At our weekly Tuesday meetings, Krys and I try to make time for how we are doing emotionally, this is one of the ways we push back on the norm of ignoring how we are doing for the sake of productivity. Lately, we’ve needed more space, time and tenderness.

Not only is it the darkest and harshest time of the year here, along the Haldimand Tract, in our own lives, in our local community and in our global community, the realities we face are the darkest and harshest that we can remember. To name only a few, genocides keep raging among massive global resistance efforts, local governments are proposing more energy development sites in our area which will continue to destroy and take Indigenous lands, and all the political analysis we’ve engaged with predicts a harrowing and impending era of harsh conservatism— which impacts our neurodivergent, queer and racialized community members in hidden and horrible ways. Just last week, I was in a school meeting where the principal shared that funding for one of the major services for struggling students was significantly cut. Krys and I witness everyday the ways that these realities impact our clients and us. 

So, all this to say, we’ve needed to slow down to really connect with how we are doing because continuing to go fast can feel safer and even necessary during such hard times. Winter is a good reminder to slow down and invest in our skillsets to manage the harsh, dark challenges of our lives. Nature and the land remind us that we need to do this sometimes. The creatures who are our neighbours are slowing down and hibernating. The plants around us are in dormant states. Slowing down can feel scary when we are taught to move into despair in the face of hardship or when society tells us that we *should* be able to maintain a constant, consistent level of productivity. We want to offer some strategies for intentionally slowing down even though it is hard.

Even Harsh and Dark Keeps Changing

Something that we’ve noticed within ourselves and some of our clients is how quickly our minds can tell us that these periods of darkness and hardship will never change. Some days, all we need is a gloomy cloud-filled January sky to spin into thoughts of— “I hate winter” “Oh dear, what will I do if this is as bad as last year!” “What’s the point in continuing to resist, they don’t listen anyway” “If only I had more money, then I could actually make a difference.”

For neuroqueer people, winter can bring many stressors such as needing to rearrange our time for unexpected snowstorms, getting used to the sensory experience of more layers of clothing, figuring out our gender presentation in a new season and the motivational changes inevitable with more darkness. Figuring out when and where to use our advocacy skills and spoons when the season is taking a toll is another layer of what makes winter a hard time to enact what is important and meaningful to us. Whether you are responding to environmental challenges, personal challenges, or community challenges (and likely all 3!) times of transition and hardship are hard!!!! But, don’t let your mind trick you into thinking that this will stay the same forever! As Krys would say with a smile, acknowledging the ridiculousness of our mind’s ability to trick us, “That’s just not true!” 

This darkness, this time of challenge doesn’t stay the same forever. If we look closely, we will notice that the phases of darkness are shifting and changing all the time, the idea that it is a fixed solid time of difficulty is an illusion we somehow have created. Patterns of nature can be a great way to connect with this constantly changing reality. If your mind needs more evidence to believe this, go outside to check it out yourself.

Here are some things to look for: 

• Notice sunrise and sunset times
• Go for walks and observe the dormant plants and see if you can find the first signs of them awakening
• Look at the birds and how they are navigating this time of year
• Plant seedlings in February and watch them grow

Just like nature, when we go through difficult times such as depression, grief, funding cuts and even overwhelming system oppressions, these realities are constantly changing. Can you notice the small changes within our communities? Can you notice these small changes within yourself? This is only one season, and it will keep changing and shifting, especially if we stay present to support ourselves and to resist together.

Embracing Darkness

Western worldviews often focus on symptom management which emphasizes making “bad” feelings and things go away rather than teaching us skills to be present with what is hard and trust that these phases have things to teach us. Worldviews can live in our bodies when we automatically tense up against what is coming. Without even noticing this tension, we may start to notice physical symptoms like sore shoulders, a tight jaw or headaches. Without noticing, we may start to feel sad, anxious or angry in anticipation of what may happen. We may be tensing up against something that we don’t even understand or know much about yet. We might even be tensing up against something that won’t happen the same way it has in the past. 

The darkness of this time of year can be a reminder to pause and be curious about what is hard. Often when we understand something better, it becomes less confusing and we can see how we want to respond to it in ways that feel most effective and sustaining for us and our communities. Doing this can be a challenge so before you start, grab a warm cup of tea, a photo of a person or an event that helps ground you, or a scent that is meaningful or soothing for you. Now, let’s get curious about what is feeling challenging, hard or dark for you right now.

Start with something that feels manageable to connect with and then consider these questions:

• Can you notice where this is in your body? What sensations come with these feelings? 
• What narrative are you telling yourself? 
• What is familiar and different about these sensations and narratives?
• What surfaces that you didn’t know about before?

When I try to get curious about these moments for myself, I often notice my jaw clenched up and my shoulders raised. Two narratives that often come up for me are the “I Need to Change Something NOW story” and the “This Is Never Going to Change and Why Is It STILL Like This” story. When I can get curious about what is actually happening for me, I can see that the drastic measures that these stories tell aren’t actually that helpful. What do you notice in yourself?

Tending to the Darkness

When we look outside of Western, capitalist-based frameworks for navigating times of difficulty and challenge, we can find a lot of teachings that offer softer, kinder decolonial supports. Saulteaux Elder Danny Musqua talks about the seven fires of a person’s lifetime, each requiring different forms of tending, exploration and response. When we get curious and learn about what is tender and hurting within ourselves, we can also learn more about what we need to tend to and what might be nourishing for ourselves and our communities. Like cuddling up beside a warm fire that soothes us and offers something hopeful for us to watch and focus on when things are challenging, we can create soothing, warming and hopeful moments, experiences and reminders for ourselves.

Some questions to ask yourself might be:

• What needs tending to within yourself?
• How can you make this time of difficulty a little bit warmer, a little bit more tolerable?
• What cultural or spiritual teachings offer softer and kinder approaches to you?
• Now that you know about what is hurting, what supports, activities and healing can you look for?

As we learn how to tend to our tender places, we also learn more about what we may need to do or be aware of throughout the year or when things are easier and lighter. When we make space to tend to our tender spots throughout the year, when things get darker, we can feel more prepared and able to cope. We may also find that the darker and harder times don’t feel as overwhelming when we understand them and know how to look for the fire light, for the comfort and for the hope. 

So, as we move through these dark and difficult times, find moments to embrace rather than brace, remember to tend to your tenderness, and always, always remember that no matter how dark things are right now, it will keep changing and shifting!